Friday, July 27, 2007

Golden Bond

For Your Brown-Eye Only


Diarrhea Another Day

From Russia With Lube


In Her Majesty's Secret Orifice


The Can With the Golden Dung

Dr. No. 2

Diamonds Arse Forever

Squirt And Let Dry


You Only Wipe Once

The Bowl Is Not Enough

Never Play Nether Again

Stolen directly and with no compunction from the geniuses in this shitstorm honeypot.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Who's Whom?

Dear Mr. Allegiance,

We are pleased to inform you that your appearance in Rudyard's Who's Who in Leading Business Professionals is currently pending.

The upcoming 2008 edition of the registry will include biographies of some of our country's most accomplished people. Rudyard's Who's Who is a professional biographical publication which recognizes people for their individual achievements. The complimentary hardcover publication is distributed to newly accepted members and is also displayed in the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C. Please do not confuse Rudyard's Who's Who with other vanity publications that charge a fee for their directories.

For accuracy and publication deadlines please complete the enclosed biographical data form promptly. Although brief, it is vital to return this form to proceed to the next step and send you more information on your appearance. You may also complete your form online at Be sure to include your personal identification number. You have our thanks.

We wish you continued success and the best of luck personally and professionally.

Kimberly H. B'Znyss

Ted's real name is Ignatius P. Allegiance. No wonder he goes by Ted. He gave me a copy of his bio from the Rudyard's 2007 edition (he says there's no big changes; he hasn't asked her out yet, but hopes to by Christmas):

Ignatius P. Allegiance
Lifestyle Enhancement & Retail Sales

Born in 1981 to poor immigrant mallwalkers, Ignatius P. Allegiance spent his youth learning the value of large, indoor, air-conditioned retail environments. Washing dishes for the food court stir-fry was his first foray into the wonderful world of Lifestyle Enhancement. The knowledge that the plates he cleaned helped serve the food that fueled the fires of wanton capitalism warmed Ignatius' heart and inspired his desire to learn everything there ever was to know about draining wallets and filling closets.

Ignatius quickly rose through the ranks of Mall Sales, rising over the years to shift lead at Hot Sweatshop and eventually Manager at the Days Are Numbered Calendar Kiosk. Last year Ignatius surpassed his DANCK sales plan by 20%, earning accolades and a $20 Mall Gift Card.

Manager Allegiance now says his early life goals have been met, and the view from the top is good. This next year he hopes to again surpass his sales plan at the calendar kiosk and maybe take the Foot Socker morning shift girl out for lunch some time. He knows a good stir-fry place.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Bird Brain

Happy Memorial Day.

That's right—that's no exclamation, simply a declaration long delayed by bad traffic and droves of mallshoppers. I'm lucky 'happy' is even in my vocabulary this time of night on a day like today.

As bad as work can be, it's always brightened by Ted. Our exchange today was brief but beautiful as he stopped by during our busiest moments. All I had time for was a quick hi-five and hurried plans to meet for a drink after my shift. It gave me something to look forward to, though I'm not sure if that's a good which or a bad witch. Which it is depends on whether you think Zeno's gettin' where he's goin' or not, I guess.

Later on, after work, I got there eventually. Ted and I met at the taco stand and got in line. He was all up in arms about his new apartment, wouldn't shut up bitching long enough for me to get an horchata in straw-wise. I asked him to calm down and handed him his milky drink. I asked him to explain things to me slowly. He says,

I was taking a shit and got shat upon.

I took a moment to process this delightful thought (I was not momat upon, thank God!) and then verified that Ted did in fact live on the top floor of his complex. So who shat upon ye if ye be livin on th'top floor? I asked in my worst brogue.

It wasn't a who, he says, It was an it!

What it? Then I lost my train of thought, 'which it?'

And then over meaty, crisp tacos Ted laid it all out for me: Birds were the it. Ted, like most everyone living among civilized, indoor-plumbed societies, had an open-air vent leading from his bathroom ceiling directly to the roof. This opening was cowled to prevent rainy precipitation from entering the commode, though it seems the cowl left enough room for fowl precipitation. Foul precipitation. Looking for some private shade, pigeons were using Ted's bathroom's vent/cowl arrangement as their own little single-occupant outhouse.

Folklorically birds have deadly aim with their waste, so it occurred to Ted that he could just leave the seat up and hope for the best. Turds out the line of sight was just off though, and the <allit meme="Sylvester J. Pussycat, Sr." rating="PG-13">shitter's shitter was splendidly shat upon.</allit> Beside that, curious cats (he has 3 right now) don't need any extra invitation to close inspection of bathroom porcelain. The situation was bad enough without having to wash a toilet-drenched bird-shat-upon cat. Ted just put down a towel and called his landlord.

Meantime, shits had to be shat. The repair was going to take a few days, so Ted tried to work around the target area. Creative stances and perilous positions were attempted when making a deposit. These almost never worked. After a couple uncomfortable, spattered dumps Ted recalled that he was smarter than a pigeon, bigger than a pigeon, and could pretty much boss those little fuckers around. From then on the hard part for Ted was explaining to his neighbors all the hooting and applause whenever he used the bathroom.

I told Ted through a mouthful of taco that he should probably get a cover for his truck.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

This Ted, he vibrates?

Boy, work was a long day today. I can never get to sleep properly on Monday nights, and I have to be in early early Tuesday mornings. I was late today, which always puts me in a mood, and it just so happens there was a metric buttload of new releases to shelve and sticker and so forth.

Luckily, Ted showed up to entertain me around mid-morning, about ready to explode with excitement. He's been keeping track on the calendar for the release of Airwolf season 3, and blew right by my What's up, yo? to find it. Six toppled tweens and one disturbed elderly mall-walker later he had it in his hand, visibly thrumming with excitement.

He asked me if I knew why he was so excited, and I speculated that it was because he could go home now and watch more Airwolf. I was only partially right. Shifting from foot to foot like he had to take a leak, Ted informed me that originally for season 3 the writers of Airwolf penned dialog for the helicopter. As Ted took a moment to catch his breath, I ventured that it must be very much like Kitt (of Knight Rider fame, of course), and asked if the helicopter had a name or a scanning blue light or some such. The withering look Ted gave me was enough to tell me I was dead wrong. Don't be silly, he went on, helicopters can't talk. Cars can't either, for that matter. Knight Rider is dumb, he opined.

No, Ted informed me that the dialog was written but never spoken, never even broadcast to the show's original TV audience. Further demonstrating the greatness of television on DVD, this new release is the only way one can access Airwolf helicopter dialog, as a subtitle track. Ted was all worked up, bouncing and stuttering through the checkout and out the door. As he left I told him he might as well watch a foreign movie, and could I maybe borrow that sometime?


Today Ted got an email from his sister. It was nice to hear from her, he says. She told him about how she'd moved out of their mother's house recently and pitched up for a place of her own. Well, the first part of that is true, I know, but the second half is pure speculation. She could be living anywhere now. Ted wouldn't be the wiser.

Anyhow, Ted's sister is pissed that Ted hasn't called her in months. It's funny that he's afraid to call her when she's so angry. He says it's no fun talking to someone on a lambasting trip, even over the phone. I told him if he didn't call her then I would, and ask her out on a date. I'm into lambasting.

Ted grumbled something that sounded like ...both ways and got out his phone.

PS -> I bought this account for like 10 bucks last month. Is that even legal in Australia? Point being, I couldn't bring myself to just lop off the, uh, creative output of its previous owner, so that follows. It's in my name, but I didn't write it. No offense if you don't care to read it all. I understand.