Thursday, June 07, 2007

Who's Whom?

Dear Mr. Allegiance,

We are pleased to inform you that your appearance in Rudyard's Who's Who in Leading Business Professionals is currently pending.

The upcoming 2008 edition of the registry will include biographies of some of our country's most accomplished people. Rudyard's Who's Who is a professional biographical publication which recognizes people for their individual achievements. The complimentary hardcover publication is distributed to newly accepted members and is also displayed in the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C. Please do not confuse Rudyard's Who's Who with other vanity publications that charge a fee for their directories.

For accuracy and publication deadlines please complete the enclosed biographical data form promptly. Although brief, it is vital to return this form to proceed to the next step and send you more information on your appearance. You may also complete your form online at Be sure to include your personal identification number. You have our thanks.

We wish you continued success and the best of luck personally and professionally.

Kimberly H. B'Znyss

Ted's real name is Ignatius P. Allegiance. No wonder he goes by Ted. He gave me a copy of his bio from the Rudyard's 2007 edition (he says there's no big changes; he hasn't asked her out yet, but hopes to by Christmas):

Ignatius P. Allegiance
Lifestyle Enhancement & Retail Sales

Born in 1981 to poor immigrant mallwalkers, Ignatius P. Allegiance spent his youth learning the value of large, indoor, air-conditioned retail environments. Washing dishes for the food court stir-fry was his first foray into the wonderful world of Lifestyle Enhancement. The knowledge that the plates he cleaned helped serve the food that fueled the fires of wanton capitalism warmed Ignatius' heart and inspired his desire to learn everything there ever was to know about draining wallets and filling closets.

Ignatius quickly rose through the ranks of Mall Sales, rising over the years to shift lead at Hot Sweatshop and eventually Manager at the Days Are Numbered Calendar Kiosk. Last year Ignatius surpassed his DANCK sales plan by 20%, earning accolades and a $20 Mall Gift Card.

Manager Allegiance now says his early life goals have been met, and the view from the top is good. This next year he hopes to again surpass his sales plan at the calendar kiosk and maybe take the Foot Socker morning shift girl out for lunch some time. He knows a good stir-fry place.

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