Tuesday, October 04, 2005

no purchase necessary

Meet Normal. He's an older gentleman, a real person (with a fake name). Norm--for short--is involved in a long-term relationship with a woman, we'll call her Judy--Jude is his for short for her (what the fuck, it's a nom de guerre (so to speak) too). How real is Norm? Oh, rest assured Norm is as real as anything Normal can get. How do I know for sure? I get his damn mail. What about Jude? Well, I've seen her naked, if that counts for anything. How long-term is their relationship? Hard to say from where I stand.

Some backstory is in order. Norm divorced his second wife, Asha (again, we gotta go with a false identity) in 1987. I was 7 at the time. Norm's first wife is not known, but it is known that she bore him one child, female, aged approximately 12 years older than I. Shortly after leaving Asha (which was a long time after leaving wife no. 1), Norm began rehearsing a multi-role part in a local business community guild olio show to be held at a local arts center. It is presumed that he first encountered Jude at some informal rehearsal. I can only imagine what it must have been like; office drones sloughing their weekday game faces to play like highschoolers putting on cheap, cheesy renditions of and tributes to last season's SNL sketches. What fun! I don't know if it's like this for every generation, but it seems like it must have been incredibly sexually odd to live your late 30's in the late 80's.

I see Norm back then, beard in full force and charm turned into the red, practicing his lines while he perfects his tongue-in-lip crochety old man impression backstage. Asha's kicked him out, and Jude's a peroxide blonde with an ass that's only just beginning to spread out and take the shape of her office chair. She wears black stirrup pants at every rehearsal, and Norm just can't resist the clingy material and the wicked gleam in her eye. He knows on some level that he should stand down, concentrate on working things out with Asha--if only for the sake of their three children--and even though he's got it on good authority that she's a psychotic bitch-monster. His kids mean a lot to him, or at least that's what he tells himself as he struts on stage. Struts keenly aware that Jude's somewhere in the theater. That all is how I imagine they met.

Out of my imagination and back into realtiy, Norm did try to go back to Asha once. It didn't work out. She really was a bitch-monster. He rued the blow he and his soon to be ex-wife were dealing to their children, but moved on nonetheless. And how! He persued peroxide Jude immediately and persistently. She was charmed--of course--and soon enough they were definitely together. His kids had to know at some point, so Asha found out too. Whatever.

Soon enough he had another kid, when he moved in and had to deal full-time with Jude's young son. Soon enough after that he had another daughter, his and Jude's own.

While it is known when Jude and Norm began living together, it is not known when--or even if they ever got married. When probed on the matter, Norm mentions two things in close succession: 1) That even if they never did bother with the whole church-ceremony-cake fiasco, they'd be married by common law by now anyway and 2) He's not telling either way. Suffice to say they've been living together for a long time.

Long enough that knowing Norm as I do and as long as I have I'd say maybe he's become restless, just a bit. He's an active guy, gets around town on the job and doesn't slouch on the social end of things either. He's notorious for eyeing off the occasional young woman, and any middle-aged to older woman is a given target of his considerable charm. He could carry on a relatively coherent conversation if we had a cute waitress, say, but when my eyes peeled back to him from off her ass his were always still glued. I wouldn't be surprised if he copped the same looks and flirted the same ways in other areas of his life, and that it paid off for him at least once.

Accordingly, I'm also not that surprised to get mail at my home from Victoria's Secret with his name on it. I guess I don't mind much that Norm's gettin' some on the side, and I most certainly don't mind the free panty (plus $5 off any bra) coupons.

You go, Norm!
Keep 'em coming!

Currently Listening:
The Best of The Beta Band: Music (live disc)
By The Beta Band

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